I generally have some stupid , insignificant beliefs. Usually I don't care about them. Sometimes , I feel like writing stories, at other times , I feel like writing software. And all of this goes on while I'm failing at university. Even last semester, I haven't made the slightest effort to go through university, and I got a failing grade. Leaving all that aside, I really want to continue doing what I like, instead of doing what might actually be good for me. I can already see the future where I'm begging on the streets and nearly dying of starvation because of the lack of a job or a place to live. Why else do you think I have no money to get a domain of my own ?
Leaving all the depressing stuff aside, if I do make out of this , I want to laze around freely, hopefully doing nothing instead of doing things that are expected of me. I am tired of expectations. People expect too much from other people. Of course, I would also expect everyone to obey exactly as I say and for me to not do anything , too. But for some reason, I get punished for not doing it , whereas I lack the means to punish other people for doing exactly that. I'm telling you: This world is just wrong. People are too evil.
If I try to draw something, people (which mostly means my parents, because I avoid most people) tell me that I'm waste my time doing it. If I try to program something, people tell that I could use my time better by making something that people could use (Do they expect an amateur to create a rocket engine from machine code ? I don't know). Whatever I do, it is apparently wrong. Just wrong. So be it. I'll write whatever I want here, because nobody will find this site (which will save me a lot of embarrassment), while I still get to have the false feeling that I've shared this with the world (to satisfy my ego). Why not do this on social media ? He he he.. I don't have any social media. Right now, I'm not even on whatsapp.. or facebook.. or instagram.. or whatever the hell the kids use these days.. I do have an email though, but I hope nobody sends me mail.. I don't want to read it. Basically, I have a social anxiety problem. Maybe it's because I've been cancelled multiple times on just whatsapp ? Maybe because I figured I could try out the new "discord" thing that my fellow students were into, only to get absolutely devastated when I realized that these guys were obsessed with weird things and yet didn't know how to take a joke.
Ahh.. seriously , I'm such a loser. But I won't let anyone take pity on me. Because I identify as a loser. I won't let anybody take that identity (of being a loser) away from me. That being said , I'll try to at least put up a few things here. Maybe webnovels and more blogs ? Maybe some guides for myself to follow , too. I'm not particularly good at remembering thing , so that might be a good idea.
What do I want really want to do ? I've wondered that for some time now. Should I just keep to the way expected of me ? That path seems good though. I wanted to be a professor in some university and relax, watching the people suffer at their lives. So I headed that route, and here I am , failing in my undergraduate. The problem ? Well, expectations are one thing, but I'm stupid. That's all. I'm stupid. I can't possibly blame my failing on anyone else. Certainly not on the corrupt education system and the academia for my state. No, my failure is my own responsibility. So let me own it up and quit university, at least. I'll go do manual labour or something, I don't want to do anything too risky. I just want some money for now, and I want to get away from my parents and start living somewhere else.