How does it feel like to look for a job for the first time ? I don't know. It feels weird. I mean, I'm 21 and I'm looking for a job for the first time. I've never done a part time job or an internship ever before in my life. Well, guess what ? I just flunked college (or not, because I'm technically going to get my bachelor's degree) after three years of being in that hell. However, it does feel a little weird.
So let me give you some context. I was enrolled in a five year BS-MS dual degree in the Indian Institute of Science, Education and Research (in Tirupati). As of today, I've convinced my parents to quit that program , although it's only been three years. According to the terms of the program, I am to get a Bachelor's degree in Science if I made it past the third year, which I have. I decided to quit that place because I thought it was suffocating. However, I couldn't convince my parents for a long time to let me quit. For the last few days , however, I have been holed up in my room watching anime all day and night (it was summer break) and my parents thought something was wrong. They tried to talk to me , but I had nothing to talk about. After this , they jumped to the conclusion that I was doing this to pester them to let me leave the college. They told me that I could leave if I wanted to. Hearing this , me (who had no idea what was going on) got up and agreed anyway. I'll still have to go to college for one last time to get that piece of garbage.
However, I'm still not sure if I want to quit college right now. Because here's the thing : I'll have a whole room to myself for atleast a year if I go to college, because my roommate left. My college doesn't usually replace people there. But if I go there, I'll be tormented by the amount of money that I'm wasting, because I just don't study. If I stay here , I'll be tormented by the fact that it is hard to get a job , and that even if I do, I'll probably not make enough money to survive. I'm messed up. This is the fact about staying in a developing or underdeveloped country - You always have to suffer from the pain of a suffering from tomorrow. My future is uncertain, and I don't know what to do. I have no skills that I can use. And I have no means of getting money, and I have no means of studying, because my brain refuses to study. I hope I'll have a good time tomorrow. In truth, I don't care that much about dying. I want to die. I hope I can find a way to die. I just don't want anymore pain or trauma. That's all